life

I FEEL LIKE SHIT

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 06:57:01 GMT

EWWWWWWWW.

no dreams last night

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:29:03 GMT

i'm crushed :'(

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 02:18:08 GMT

she says she wants to marry me
she says she wants a baby
it's not easy
when you're scared

FFUUUUUUUCK!

I'LL HAVE YOUR BABIES BILLY CORGANNNNNNNNNN

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 18:03:11 GMT

fun weekend.

HOLY SHIT

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:30:02 GMT

I JUST HAD ONE OF THE SCARIEST FUCKING DREAMS.

these big, strong hostile aliens were starting to take over earth. i was fighting them off and killing them because i had a gun, but we just kept finding bigger aliens and they were getting really pissed. we found a bunch of people sitting in a peaceful circle at the top of a hill by a beach, so we figured it must be a safe spot even though it was guarded with a bunch of armed men. the two people i was with parked the minivan we were traveling in and we went to join them. soon after we went inside a building only to find some of them trapped in the basement. we started to kill them, but these ones were harder to defeat. we got all but one, and by that point he was starting to approach us. i was scared to death and hauled ass down to the beach and jumped in the water until nighttime.

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 09:41:32 GMT

I FUCKING LOVE SMASHING PUMPKINS AND BILLY CORGAN.

more dreams

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:56:45 GMT

we were at this huge graduation ceremony in this really old auditorium. my whole family was there, including john who isn't really my family but whatever. great grandma bear was there and she got up to make a speech, and i cried the entire time because i missed her. laran stover made a speech too. then the ceremony ended and jamie, stef and i all hugged and i hung out with my family. we then waled into the next room, which turned out to be my aunt's house, and she had a bunch of softball trophies above her closet and a little cup full of umaine memorabilia.

kinda depressed

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 06:14:48 GMT

i'll never make music as beautiful as some of the stuff out there. and i really want to.

painkiller dreams

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 16:50:37 GMT

okay. i saw a wilco concert in russia and met jeff tweedy. by the way, i was sierra for about half of this dream. we walked into town in the snow together, talking the whole time and i was really starting to admire him. when we got there, we learned that there was going to be a "snow hurricane", which i now realize to rest of the world is known as a blizzard. his lady friend came and he started giving all his attention to her and seemed annoyed with me. we were going to be stuck in a little house for three days, maybe more because of the snow. his lady friend left and it was just me, him and my grandparents in this little house in this mountain valley sort of thing (it was a circle of mountains that would protect us from the storm). i was me at this point. i couldn't understand why he was annoyed with me and was jealous of the woman who had left earlier. i left him alone while we both tried to sleep. after a while i said i only wanted to play kickball with him, and he said that's what he wanted to do with me. we played after the storm ended. jeff also looked more like elliott smith in my dream.

NEXT!

i went off to school in maine and mom and dad got a new dog to be kloey's companion. school was going great and i was finding my classes and had a class about leaves or something. soon i learned that kloey was dying and had a week to live. i rushed home from school to be with her. she was breathing really heavily and stopped all of a sudden. it was really fucking depressing.

theeeeeeen there was another i don't remember much of. i was driving through maine to canada and ended up driving with some lady. the area was very lovely.

fuck.

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:39:18 GMT

just when i think i'm going to be okay, i realize just how much i hate myself.

i fucking hate myself and my life.

so muuuuuuuuch

Writer's Block: Relive in the moment

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:59:33 GMT

If you could relive one hour of your life so far, what would you choose and why? Would you do or say anything different? How do you think it would change your life?

View 1016 Answers

i would go to the moment my now-ex asked me out and say no.

what a fucking mess.

i regret it so much.

been feeling the weirdest shit lately

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 22:09:06 GMT

like i'm being being stretched in so many different directions, but have nowhere to go.

empty.

torn.

numb.

sick.

grievous.

like any moment, i'm going to break. any moment, it's going to hit me.

i'm on the verge of tears, but i can't cry yet.

as much as i should like to exile myself

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 01:34:55 GMT

i shouldn't be left alone with myself. seriously.

Writer's Block: Planning My Financial Future

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 13:56:42 GMT

How are you financially planning for your future?

Presented by Intel, Sponsors of Tomorrow.

View 361 Answers

IM NOT LOLZ

i'm gonna be pissed

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 14:10:49 GMT

if i don't get into cmu cuz i really want to go there now.

poooooop.

at least i have a thousand back up schools now. :\

Writer's Block: On the List

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 04:24:43 GMT

What is on your personal list of the Seven Wonders of the Modern World?

View 527 Answers

mr. darcy
mr. darcy
mr. darcy
mr. darcy
mr. darcy
mr. darcy
mr. bingley

i can't get over the fact that i am the way i am. wishing i was a bit different won't help anything. i seem to be stuck in this big bullshit cycle, i have been for years, and i'm deathly afraid i will be for the rest of my life.

what i know i need is support. i have none of that at home. i hate it so much.

Writer's Block: On the Airwaves

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 05:07:58 GMT

If you had your own radio or television station, what would it be called and what kind of programming would it play?

View 514 Answers

it'd have one show all about poop, poop jokes, and people's poop stories. my uncle would be my co-host.

then i'd take the money i made from that show and go tour around america in a car with a friend and make a documentary about it, and show that. and then some more stuff.

fml

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 07:49:01 GMT

pinned down to fucking saint pete.

as not-so-bad as my life is, i fucking hate it for the most part.

Writer's Block: Dream Job

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 03:30:13 GMT

If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?

View 501 Answers

dream job??

i cannot think of anything I would enjoy more than being a housewife and stay-at-home mom. What I want to do more than anything in my lifetime is have my own family and devote my life to them. i hate working as of now, it's so pointless, at least it is right now, for me. i don't need money, and i hate the extra stress. i couldn't work in a corporate setting...i couldn't see myself there in a million years. i like to think: "how did they do things in simpler times?" the husband worked, the wife cooked and cleaned and took care of the kids. that said, i think it'd be safe to assume i don't give a rat's patoot for all that women empowerment/feminist crap. equal rights, blah blah blah. women can stick up for themselves. i'm going to get an education. i wish to choose someday to dedicate myself to my family. just because i choose to try to create good, productive humans to send out into the world doesn't make me less of a human than my husband.

but i digress. i'll step off my soapbox.

i guess my dream job, when thinking along the lines of what is generally considered a "job", would be to be a doctor of some sort. perhaps a pediatrician, because another thing i'd really like to do sometime in my life is to study medicine and provide aid to those who need it but can't afford it or don't have access to it. i would absolutely love to be a part of a program that sends doctors to poor countries to give much needed medical aid to the citizens there.

while i know that's subject to change, i feel different about this than the other career choices i've taken interest in. recently i've changed a great deal due to a person i was involved with, he taught me so much and really made me see things differently, and i truly feel such a depth of gratitude for him doing so. i liked to focus on balance before i met him, but i never realized that harmony required equal emphasis. his desire to try to help people and make the world a better place was contagious and it spread to me. this is why i see no point in a career that doesn't work to aid others who need help...i just couldn't bring myself to do anything else. and i know the road to becoming a doctor is a long, difficult and expensive one, but for once in my life, i'm not offput or intimidated by it; which really makes me think: maybe i've found my passion.

because i haven't been on in a gazillion years:

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 05:31:25 GMT

lost 65 lbs, but i've kinda hit a plateau.
had my first boyfriend and all the firsts that comes with one, we broke up over a week ago.
we're going to remain friends.
aaaaaaaaand my life is pretty much fucking sweet.

Writer's Block: Ten for the Tenth

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 23:22:45 GMT

Some people spend their whole lives preparing the answer to this question: What albums are on your personal all-time Top 10 list?

View 501 Answers

at the moment (in no particular order):

Deja Entendu by Brand New
Pride and Prejudice Soundtrack (Jean-Yves Thibaudet)
Kala - M.I.A.
Let's Get Lifted - John Legend
Dan In Real Life Soundtrack (Sondre Lerche)
Your Favorite Weapon - Brand New
August and Everything After - Counting Crows
O Brother, Where Art Thou? Soundtrack
Tigerlily - Natalie Merchant
Spike - Elvis Costello

three more that i would add:
Takk by Sigur Ros
New Beginning by Tracy Chapman
*NSYNC by Nsync
never stopped loving Nsync...

in other equally as uninteresting news, i feel like a whale.
blahhhhhhh

27 pounds

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 23:48:37 GMT

yeaaaaauuhhhhhh!

cool.

now i look halfway decent in the right bathing suit.

oh no..

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 15:47:30 GMT

mood: sad, uncertain, sick, happy, worried, relieved, shocked, hurt, blah blah blah

i never thought...

i always thought.....

i'm going to go swim laps.

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 23:22:25 GMT

these first few days

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 00:43:19 GMT

were pretty rough. i've been constantly hungry, which really bothers me. i've done perfectly though. no slip-ups, well, i haven't had a full GALLON of water any of the days, but i've come close. the natural diuretic in the meds with all the water i'm drinking means i've spent maybe a fifth of the last three days in the commode. i've been exhausted, cranky, and frustrated too. anyone would be, only being allowed 10 ounces of protein each day, nothing else. i finally feel better, for the most part. i'm still a bit tired, but tomorrow i add back fruits and vegetables, four servings a day. now it sounds like a feast. i got a twelve pack of caffiene-free diet coke, but i think that's the last time i'm getting any. it's allowed on the plan, but it just doesn't feel right. water's good enough. it seems like a month since i went in, but it was only thursday. and i started everything friday.

i can't wait to see what comes of this.